Day 318 - Ko Samui

Fake bags, fake sunglasses, fake dvds... this place is so fake, even the women are fakes.



A day of travelling across Thailand takes its toll on your sensibilities. After a ferry ride, 2 bus journies, another ferry ride and then an hour journey in the back of a truck not really knowing where to get off, we decide to hop off, tired and irritable, on a highstreet that we *think* is Chaweng - most populous and happening town of the sleepy island of Ko Samui. Another 40 minutes of trawling for a cheap hostel and eventually we're unpacking our stuff at 8pm. I've said it before guys, and i'll say it again, travelling is like a full time job.

Anyway, we unpack in our plush, air-conditioned rooms, and head out to get some food. Minor drama (sam would probably disagree with the 'minor' aspect of that last comment) when we find that Sam's cash card doesn't work anymore through lack of funds. She's nearly in tears, as am I since I have been relying on her for cash advances since I maxxed my Egg card. But we leave her to fight it out with the bank and Eve and I head into Chaweng town.



And this is when it dawns on us exactly what Ko Samui is. This town is made up entirely, without any exceptions, from fake designer goods. Every shop sells fake Christian Dior sunglasses, or fake Billabong boardshorts. Fake Fendi handbags. Fake Gucci shoes. Fake DVDs, CDs, Playstation, Xbox and PC games. Fake Eastpak backpacks. Even fake Dali paintings. This whole town thrives on a industry of selling fake stuff to cheap tourists. Its tacky and imposing and feels like you're taking a bath in dirty water when you wander the streets and peer in at the goods they're displaying with embarrassingly low prices (which are just a starter price, usually 4 times more expensive than what a keen haggler can get). I don't like it, and to top it off, we're located about a mile down the road from the Burger King which we're all craving, so it takes an age to walk there and back, by which time I'm ready for bed.

So yeah, i'm not altogether taken with Ko Samui. Whilst I'm happy to browse the Playstation 2 games and try and find some boardshorts to get for my impending trip to Ibiza (i know - a year travelling isn't enough, I need another 2 weeks of sun just after I get back), I still feel this place is rotten and cheap and unappealing. And having no cash makes it all the worse. I can't even afford the cheap games, and they cost just over a quid. Anyway, to lighten my mood, effervescent Tom, who's always up for a bit of adventure, decides we should hire a jeep for the day and explore the island. And a good idea it is too.



First stop was some huge buddha on a hill. Its kinda cute and feels like you've stepped into the set of a movie - cute local shacks selling drinks and snacks (overpriced, of course), dusty roads and big trees bending their branches down to the brush on the ground. Its nice. Tom and I wander the monastry, which the girls don't want because they're wearing disrespectful clothes, which is nice. Monks everywhere, elaborate snake carvings and of course a close-up on the huge buddha that dominates the landscape. Its big. Not MASSIVE. Not Rio Jesus big. But big all the same and probably took a while to make. So I'm impressed.



Thais (and buddhists in general I think, correct me if I'm wrong) have a style of foretune telling, a lot like a horoscope but far less ambiguous. Here, as in china, people shake a basket of sticks really gently until one stick falls out. Each stick is numbered between 1 and 26 (or something like that) and that number corresponds to a fixed fortune description. bringing all this into the 20th century is this amazing machine...



yes, just like a fruit machine / roulette wheel, you insert a coin (5baht), watch the LED-wheel spin and eventually stop on a number, and correspond it to your fortune. And here was mine.



And whilst the description may read my 'fortune', it unfortunately wasn't so fortunate for Tom, who left his wallet on the machine and when returning to get it 5 minutes later, found that it had been nicked. Credit cards and cash, swiped from a monastry. Karma? i dunno. But these monks are sophisticated - they have CCTV watching the whole place, which Tom and I examine at length but find nothing incrimating. Gutted.

We then bomb it in the jeep, open topped and breezy in the scorching pre-monsoon heat, down to the south of the island where we're promised a huge waterfall. We don't find it. But we do find a tiny pool for the girls to soak their sweating bodies in, whilst Tom and I don our hiking boots and trek for an hour up the steep valley sides, clinging to vines and braches, as far as we can go before the sun sets on our adventure.



And one last stop before we head home was this amazing sight...



Here stands a mummified buddha, sat upright, decaying arms resting on his lap, in a sealed glass container. But by some strange fate, he's wearing sunglasses (fakes from Chaweng highstreet, no less). We're told its because his eyes started rotting and they wanted to hide the empty sockets.

Anyway, we ditch the jeep and spend the rest of the evening watching Sex and the City (eve's just bought a whole series on fake dvd), and I end up playing pool with Tom and his new friend Tick (tiny cute cambodian girl who introduced herself as Dick - she's mental).

Now, all along, I was due to travel with Darren when I was in Thailand for a while. he was coming out this way at the same time as us, and we arranged to meet up and have a few beers. But until now, we've only seen each other for one evening and haven't crossed paths since. It all looked like we were gonna miss each other when I emailed him yesterday, until he comes up with an amazing plan. If we stay on the island one extra day, he's coming back, so we get to have a day together. Awesome. So 9am my alarm breaks my already broken sleep, I hop in the jeep and drive to the docks 20 minutes away with Sam to meet Darren and Kate from the jetty. And a couple of hours later we're at their hotel (their *plush* hotel), swimming in their pool and catching up on 2 weeks of thai travels.

And with the evening comes something I'm SO EXCITED about its hard to put it into words. Of course, thailand is famous for its ladyboys. That's a fact. But little did we know, Ko Samui is a hotbed for ladyboys, hosting 2 nightly ladyboy shows and being a haven for ladyboy wannabes. Just wandering through town you see at least 10 boys covered in glitter, boys who are now girls loaded with makeup, and feather boas and huge peacock tails adorning both boys and girls promoting the shows. Its awesome. I wolf whistle a couple (they don't appreciate it, understandable. as if I was bought up to wolf-whistle anyone). Chat to a couple (they like to hold hands with me it seems). Its amazing.



I don't really know why I have a fascination with ladyboys. Its not like I ever did back home. But then its different here. Here these girls (i.e. ex boys) are respected. They are as much part of thai culture as standard men and women. Being a ladyboy isn't so much a person who's uncomfortable in their owen gender, its a whole gender of its own. That's fascinating to me. That it can be so well regarded in society. And to think that we think we're liberal and progressive enough as a western democratic society. This beats the crap out of our attitudes towards gender and identity.



Anyway, on with the show. After a few cocktails to loosen us up on the beach, we weave our way to the show on the main highstreet, take a seat at the side (i'm crapping myself with excitement now) and order some (again, overpriced) drinks. And the show starts. Its amazing. Like a drag show at a tacky gay bar, but with girls in bikinis (they've all had the chop it seems) and an audience of half-shocked, half-fascinated western tourists.



The shows progresses - much to my over-enegetic delight - with a rendition of "I will follow him" from sister act (ladyboy with a blacked-out face), a workout routine hosted by a leotard wearing ladyboy, a couple of power ballards from the host with huge hair and some weird fashion shows with ladyboys wearing antlers. Its mental and I love it.



At one point, they're looking for volunteers from the audience. I hate this stuff, and as the main light shines on me to attract the hosts attention, I make a run for the toilets and lock myself inside. Its hideous. I hate audience participation. But the moment passes and some german guy is seduced into a lapdance from the girls in his pants. Its amusing. I'm glad it wasn't me.



And with that the show goes on. Another few acts, more dancing routines. A big fashion show with each girl labelled with a country. And then the host announces that they need 5 volunteers. Sam, Eve, Tick, Darren and Kate all grab me and Tom by the neck and shouting and cheering thrust our arms in the air. Tom's a (reformed?) homophobe and finds ladyboys somewhat distasteful, so I knew I could count of him to shake the others off and allow me to make a toilet dash. But before I know it he's on his feet, laughing and swearing and dragging me onstage. This is hideous.

So yeah, I'm a show-off. I know that. And I love being the centre of attention. But on my terms only. I hate not being in control, and I hate being stared at. This is awful and I have no idea what they want us to do. The next 10 minutes are a blur of fear, nerves and shame. In front of an audience of some 100 people Tom and I, along with 3 other guys, are escorted across the main stage behind the curtains where a completely naked ladyboy (CHOP CHOP) starts touching my penis and telling me to drop my trousers. I ask what's happening, and she says nothing. More groping of my genitalia as I drop my trousers and she helps me take my t-shirt off. I'm stood in my boxers, next to a naked ladyboy, confused, as she brings out a huge red sequinned dress and a wig.

I'm mortified. I hate this stuff. I hate guys who dress up in girls clothes. I hate it at parties and i hate drunk guys who think its funny. I find it SO cringey its ureal. and here I am, getting zipped up by a ladyboy who seems obsessed with fluffing me up (it only worked a little). And then, all 5 of us are pushed onto the stage with just a thick red curtain between us and the audience, told to dance and smile, and the curtain is raised.



The place erupts. The whole crowd is on its feet, dancing, screaming, laughing. 5 guys, hairy chests and beards a plenty, dressed as women, dancing on stage. I'm near tyhe back, but can make out Sam rushing to the front, smile stretched across her face, taking close up photos. Eve's howling in the distance. We dance for a minute, then we're lined up on stage and interviewed by the hostess. I don't remember what I said, but the place is still in stitches and loving every minute of the show's finale.



And then we're doing the conga through the crowd, dancing some more, and I'm doing some weird kind of dry humping up against a ladyboy (i'm so ashamed of myself) before being led backstage for some more fluffing and the removal of the dress. more naked ladyboys with their hands on my privates, a return to my own clothes and a free huge glass of vodka and coke to numb my adrenaline-fuelled psyche.



It was amazing. The audience ebbs away as the show ends, but we're lauding it up,laughing and taking photos. Its amazing. I'm still in shock somewhat, but its fun. The three ladyboys who'd been fluffing me earlier come out for a photo, and after some play-flirting and raucous laughing we leave the bar to find a club to drink in.



And its here where the night becomes a mess. One strong vodka and a number of beers, in addition to Darren's exquisite company mean we're all into a truck and heading 10 minutes down the road to Malebox, one of the two gay clubs in Ko Samui. Its empty, except for a lone thong-wearing dancer shaking it on a podium and 5 of 6 thai guys lurking around the bar. We're all manic, laughing and shouting. Tom gets up on the podium, dancing aruond when he's not cuddling up to his new lady friend Tick, and Eve and I are dancing around like idiots.



And about an hour later the girls decide to head off, so Darren, Tom, Tick and I jump in a cab and head into town, where a huge party is going off. Hundreds of thais, dancing in the streets. Its unreal. My alcohol-fuelled lack of perception blends the next 3 hours into a blur of moments - following the crowds to a secret pool party, dancing in the toilets with a load of thai guys, talking to an irritating australian (i love australians, just not this one), drinking out of other people buckets of whisky, taking way too many photos with people I don't know, waving goodbye to darren and staying on my own, and eventually making it home and slumping into bed. All very rock n roll.





And with the morning comes a still-drunken last chance to pack my backpack, regale the stories of last night to the girls and Tom and grab some crisps for our journey to Ko Pha Ngan. Ko Samui might be tacky as hell and hideously ripped off, but having Darren here made it an awesome time. It looks like we'll be having plenty more nights of carnage when I get back.